ugg canada The ABCs of Gen Z

ugg slippers for kids The ABCs of Gen Z

The oldest members of Gen Z, the cohort just behind millennials, will turn 21 this year. And they have grown up with access to seemingly whatever they want, whether it be information, music, entertainment or, let’s be honest, ways to block advertising.

Marketers do not need to completely rewrite their playbooks. But it’s time for some updating: As Nielsen reported last year, 97 percent of Gen Zers had smartphones and 78 percent had tablets, ahead of the 95 percent of millennials and Gen Xers with smartphones and the 70 percent of both groups with tablets.

As millennials were entering their buying years, marketers realized that just pushing messaging or marketing at them wouldn’t work. They began to experiment and participate in more two way dialogue. That might have been a somewhat novel concept, but now it’s a given.

“That’s table stakes,” says Angela Fernandez, lead of the Engaging Gen Z group at Ketchum. “If you’re not creating that conversation, that two way dialogue, if your brand is not accessible and authentic and transparent, those are the things that Gen Z is used to and they’re going to expect from brands.”

Gen Zers are also expanding on the idea, often attributed to millennials, of wanting to buy brands that stand for something. “They definitely want to make the world a better place,” says Fernandez. “They now have the technology to do so.”

Visual storytelling matters too. Older millennials might spend time cropping photos, picking the right filters and choosing the right images to show their best selves, McCann wrote in its recent “The Truth About Youth” report. “But for Gen Z, this is not cool at all,” the agency concluded.

And while there are plenty of risks in having influencers promote brands (hey there, Logan Paul), influencers have a more direct approach that resonates with the people who follow them on Instagram, YouTube and elsewhere.

Whatever approaches marketers try, they need to recognize that they must be self aware. Fernandez once heard a Gen Zer say: “If you’re 40 years old and you think this idea is a really good Gen Z idea, you’re probably wrong.”
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ugg jimmy choo The 9 P’s of marketing

ugg jobs uk The 9 P’s of marketing

The internet was the first giant, dynamic shift in Marketing in decades. Social Media was the next frontier that marketers embraced and both have changed the way we market everything.

Marketing classes have promoted the 4 of marketing since they were developed in the 1960 by E. Jerome McCarthy. They are classics, still taught today in educational institutions. However many in the industry say there are more than 4 if you want to understand current marketing methods.

Product a physical product or a service is your “product”. The product and it benefits are in a constant rotation of the product life cycle and need help from the other to compete in this hyper competitive environment.

Price in most industries this is a rotating target based upon competition, industry as a whole, current trends and predictions of sales.

Place is where you sell your product, distribution channels, and now the internet (not part of the thought process in the original 1960 model).

Promotion includes public relations, advertising, sales, events, white papers, websites, ad words, press releases, sponsoring events, training events and many more, but I think you get the idea. I also lump process into the promotion category predominately because process is a lot about promotion. Proctor and Gamble is a perfect example. With all that is available today for tracking from landing pages to unique URLS and PURLS (personalized URLS) specific to a marketing piece why aren you tracking as much as possible. Know in advance is it brand awareness or a call to action. What numbers are you aiming for (Predictions) an increase in website visitors, conversion from visitor to customer, or new customer leads I think you get the idea know the and what.

People I used to think that people belonged in the promotion category but there has been a swing in a new direction as people your product. They may be employees, internet bloggers, or just people that love your product talking about it. People are also key to innovation when they actually take the time to talk to a company about a like or dislike of a product. Remember what happened when Coke changed their Classic Coke that was a people rebellion on a grand scale. Engaging with customers and their engagement with you is priceless. You can learn so much.

Processes you can have a great product or service but if you don have the processes in place, you are likely to fail. Processes include a strategic marketing plan which feeds into the business plan for the company, and a marketing budget all should have short and long term predictions. Process also includes A/B testing of ads, copy, who will be your social voice, and what will be your social voice. Mistakes can end up costing jobs or reputation.

Philosophy it is no longer sufficient to be a company with a product or service. You also often share your philosophies with the world. Menlo Innovations often invites groups of people, even their competition, in for up to week long sessions to show off their philosophy for developing software via extreme agile project management and paired programming. Green energy firms Accio Energy, eco friendly cars Smart Cars, and electric bikes Current Motor Company all have a philosophy behind them. It is part of their company DNA, it is what they live and breathe at work.

Packaging from traditional packaging to non tactile packaging on the web for services or downloads, packaging your product or service becomes more and more important as the global market place is now your competition.

There are other that could be added to the list, but I think this covers the main old and new of the marketing world.
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ugg slippers size 6 The 9 Most Obnoxious Memes to Ever Escape the Web

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If you just bought your first computer today, Chuck Norris Facts are an internet fad that consists of hundreds of user created facts about the actor, usually involving his ability to roundhouse kick your mother into next Tuesday.

It started with a thread on the Something Awful forums back in early 2005, one of probably nine million threads created that day. It simply asked members to post facts about Vin Diesel, at which point hundreds of pieces of completely false and exaggerated Vin trivia came pouring in. Later they were gathered into the .

Around the time that a World of Warcraft add on featuring a Chuck Norris Fact generator was released in January 2006, corporate America started realizing this thing might have some crossover potential. Soon enough, references started turning up in non internet media and then, finally, Chuck himself got on board.

Norris has appeared on several talk shows since this all started. Rolling Stone did a small piece about them, and in 2006, Time interviewed Norris, calling him an “online cult hero.”

Then, in a turn of events almost too absurd even for politics, Norris campaigned for presidential candidate Mike Huckabee . based purely around the premise that he had the magical powers claimed in the facts.

This meme is an example why early detection is so incredibly important. We had many chances to stop this thing before it spread. But it seemed so benign at first.

In 1997, 17 year old Swede Daniel Malmedahl recorded himself mimicking the sound of a two stroke combustion engine and posted it on a website. The sound became something of a meme itself, at least in its native Sweden. A local TV producer convinced Daniel to perform his sound on national television, probably on a Swedish prime time hit called Sounds Made By People.

By 2004, what would come to be known as “Crazy Frog” had spread all over the internet, making the rest of the world wish Sweden could just stick to making Volvos and Victoria Silvstedt.

Shortly after Wernquist combined the frog with the noise of a nearly grown man pretending to be a motorcycle, he was contacted by a German ringtone company called Jamba!, who asked to use it as a downloadable ringtone for cell phones.

The ringtone became one of the most successful ever in the United Kingdom. Jamba! quickly earned approximately 14 million from download sales and everyone who downloaded it quickly lost all their friends.

Again, it seems like some kind of intervention could have kept this thing from going any further. But the world’s government turned a blind eye, and soon a dance track was recorded.

It charted in Europe and follow ups were released. By March 2008, the Crazy Frog had three complete albums, all of which serve as proof that music can be weaponized effectively.

Also released in the UK was a string of merchandise including an electronic game, key rings, backpacks, lunch boxes and air fresheners. Two computer games, each widely loathed by critics, have been released for the Playstation 2.

Worse yet, a German production company called The League of Good People have made a sad mockery of their name by entering into talks with a production company to create a Crazy Frog TV show. A film is rumored to be in the works, and is likely.

The 3 D rendered animated dancing baby comes complete with a somewhat disturbing hip thrust and mincing arm movements that suggest his parents shouldn’t hold out for grandchildren. It was created as a product sample source file for release of a groundbreaking 3 D character creation program “Character Studio” which was apparently dedicated to creating the creatures that populate our nightmares.

On the show, it was supposed to represent the ticking of Ally’s biological clock or some shit, but to us, it just interrupted our fantasies of “accidentally” entering the firm’s unisex restroom to find Calista Flockheart and Lucy Liu having a race to remove their underpants first.

The baby appeared in the music video for Blue Suede’s cover of the 1969 hit Hooked On a Feeling.

In February 2006, just before they left college, the Back Dorm Boys signed a five year deal with Taihe Rye, a Chinese talent management company in Beijing, to continue making lip syncing videos. As it stands, the Back Dorm Boys have made at least 19.

In February 2005, the New York Times wrote an article about the dance and its creator, and in 2006, UK TV station Channel 4 listed it at number 41 of the 100 Greatest Funny Moments (upsetting critics who thought a home video of some guy getting hit in the nuts with a wiffle ball bat deserved the spot).

A story in the June 2006 edition of The Believer claims the video “singlehandedly justifies the existence of webcams (.) It’s a movie of someone who is having the time of his life, wants to share his joy with everyone,
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and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.”

ugg classic mini The 9 Most Hilarious Ways Criminals Were Caught

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If you’ve found yourself stealing phones to support your uncontrollable selfie habit, it might be good to know that lots of people have their phones set up to send all pictures straight to their email, or cloud storage. And while it’s bad enough when you accidentally call up an ex, it can’t be much worse than what happened to Nathan Teklemariam and Carson Rinehart.

The pair were breaking into a car earlier this year when one of them butt dialed 911. Confused by the voices that weren’t directed at him, the dispatcher nevertheless stayed on the line, in case there was trouble. It wasn’t long before talk of drugs, the sound of glass breaking, and discussion of just how exactly this car should be broken into made it clear to the dispatcher that it was in fact a police type situation.”Man, I hope no calls the cops about this Class D felony we’re currently committing.”

While the dispatcher stayed on the line, police used clues from their conversation to find the thieves and began following them in the car. Their panicked conversation can be heard on the recording, hilariously confused about how they were found out. After he was told about the damning call, however, one of the men coolly summed up the matter with, “We really called 911? Damn.”

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the same thing happened to Scott Simon just a few days later, when he accidentally called the police while discussing a murder he was planning to (and later did) commit. Seriously, guys, you turn your phones off at the movie theater, for Pete’s sake, maybe be a little conscientious of them while you’re discussing the details of your felonies?”Only Facebook humblebrags from now on.”Planning the perfect murder isn’t easy there can’t be any witnesses or physical evidence for the CSI team, and you have to resist the urge to tattoo a confession right on your goddamned chest. That last one is what tripped up Anthony Garcia, a member of the notorious “Rivera 13” gang, who after a 2004 shooting of a rival gang member came up with the bright idea of permanently inking a play by play mural of the murder on his entire upper body.

Detectives were going over random snapshots of gang tattoos when they noticed something eerily familiar about the tats of one gang member who had been pulled over for a minor traffic offense. Well, what do you know; the tattoo was almost an exact representation of the scene of a murder that had gone unsolved for almost four years.

Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department

Pro Tip: Make sure to include your gang’s name and the type of crime to cut down on confusion.

Definitely not one to skip on the details, Anthony Garcia had gone balls out on the drawing of the murder including details that could have come only from someone who had more than a passing interest in the crime. First were the tattoo drawings of the roof, windows and frames of the liquor store, which were the same as those of the liquor store where the murder was committed.

But the clincher was the image of a cartoon peanut man being shot to death by an angry helicopter.

Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department

If you look really closely you can even see the tiny tattoo guy working in the liquor store and regretting his life choices.
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black ugg boots sale The 9 Most Devastating Insults From Around the World

gold uggs The 9 Most Devastating Insults From Around the World

A responsible traveler won’t set foot in another country without knowing how to viciously insult the people in their native language. Odds are, you won’t even make it out of the airport before a situation arises that requires obscenities.

But “obscenity” is an ever moving target. It’s an amalgamation of cultural taboos, the impact of current events and your mom. Accordingly, every country has developed a uniquely beautiful set of curses and insults that set it apart. While some insults are broadly accessible, like your mom, others will require a little background for the new student. Thus, we offer this helpful guide to the best and most vulgar (and very real) insults from around the world:

And the list goes on. These folks just love shit. Basically you can hold your own in any argument in Spain if you’re creative enough with where you deposit your waste matter. If you’re a man who is sharp enough to destroy someone with this virtualized shit flinging, pride may reward you with a “Brazo de santo,” which literally translates to “arm of a saint” which means a full erection.”A thousand dicks in your religion” (Elif air ab dinikh)

“My dick in your mother’s rib cage” (Eyreh be afass seder emmak)

That’s not to say they’re just smut peddlers insult wise. Some of the most disrespectful things you can say are 100 percent penis free like “Surmayye a’raasac” (A shoe is on your head). The foot is considered the most filthy part of the body, courtesy of their deserts not having any shortages on dirt. To direct your foot at someone verbally or physically means you aren’t hiding your contempt, as vividly demonstrated by the thousands of Nike treads upside Saddam’s bronze dome (right).

Many classic curses from Ireland come out of Gaelic, which gives them a more folksy, old timey appeal. Such as, “Go n ithe an cat thu, is go n ithe an diabhal an cat” (May the cat eat you, and may the devil eat the cat).

Other helpful Irish phrases:

Gaelic really does its best work when it is conjuring up ways to describe foul acts. Sure, it’s faster to say two people were fucking, but wouldn’t you rather describe it as skin hitting (“bualadh craicinn”) or leather stretching (“streachailt leathair”)?

The majority of Ireland does not speak Gaelic, but that hasn’t hindered a bustling industry of filthy slang and occasionally rustic vernacular:

Bulgarian cursing is based on a hybrid of nature references and non sequiturs. Most of the good ones read like Tourette’s syndrome Mad Libs. They still embrace common baselines, but the modifiers around it are what really shine. For instance:

Other helpful Bulgarian phrases:

“Your mother sucks bears in the forest” (Mayka ti duha na mechki v gorata)

“Fuck this tilted field” (Da eba taz kreeva neeva)

“You’re as ugly as a salad” (Grozna si kato salata)

Some of them are so elaborate, it’s not entirely clear which part to be offended by.

For instance, when someone tells you “Nosa ti e kato ruska putka” (Your nose is like a Russian pussy), should you be enraged at the comparison to a Russian or a vagina? And it’s no different when being called “Pederas grozen gyrbaw prokazhen” (an unsightly hunchbacked leper queer). It sounds like swearing constructed from a profanity combo menu (please select one aspersion from Columns A, B and C).

Stop the presses! Though this is not technically damning. The Chinese have managed to smash the previous seven generation threshold for familial insults through this little gem. Take that, Arabic.

Other helpful Mandarin phrases:

While Mandarin has a wealth of generalized insults for the intellectually stunted (“Sha gua” means retard literally “stupid melon”), it really brings the heat with insults that don’t sound at all insulting.

“Wear a green hat.” This doesn’t sound particularly offensive until you understand that green hats were a component of the male brothel workers uniform during the Tang dynasty. These brothels were so prominent that some historians speculate the Tang dynasty was actually named after the amount of poozle they serviced rather than the emperor’s family. References to green hats can challenge the fidelity of someone’s wife or suggest someone’s father is an anonymous man whore.

The one involving rats is particularly jarring. It leverages sexual violation and vermin to make its point. Either that or we’ve misinterpreted it and Armenia is actually some sort of Mecca for furries.
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ugg slippers office The 8 Most Baffling ‘Sports’ From Around The World

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Imagine, if you can, standing in a barn in a small village on the moors of North Yorkshire, in England. In the barn, there are a lot of dour looking Gentlemen standing around you, glowering, drinking ale and smoking pipes. Oh yeah, you’re shirtless, and your trousers are securely tied around your ankles. There’s a fellow in front of you holding two ferrets. These two small, carnivorous, weasel like beasts with sharp claws and teeth are squirming, and they look both pissed off and really, really hungry.

A game of dexterity, skill and terrifying amounts of booze, a mixture that we’ve always found to end in absolute happiness. According to the Friends of The Lewes Arms pub, one venue where the game is played, the rules of the game are impenetrable and the result is always contested. They say that because the competitors are always roaringly drunk by the time the game ends.

Two teams play the game. One member of a team, the flonker, stands with a beer soaked rag on a stick whilst the other team links arms and dances around him, a practice known as girting, for reasons apparent to only those who have spent their adult life drinking ale.

The flonker spins around in the opposite direction to the others and has to fling the rag at them. The girters have to dodge the rag. Points are scored if the rag hits someone, but if the rag misses, the flonker has to drink a chamber pot’s worth of beer.

The game is over when four rounds are finished, or when everyone is so drunk that any movement might cause them to vomit noisily or urinate uncontrollably. Points are deducted if anyone is sober enough to remember their gender at the end of the game.

Dwile Flonkers claim that the game was invented either in the nineteenth century or sometime in the middle ages. Sober people say it was invented in the 1960s by a bunch of people with too much time on their hands.

As with most English rural sports of questionable origin, dressing up like an idiot is a requirement.

The hornuss can reach speeds of two hundred miles an hour, and can fly for up to three hundred yards. It zooms off straight towards the members of the other team, who are all standing on the field waving placards and wearing helmets.

The other team has to biff the hornuss out the air my hitting it with a placard. But because of the hornuss’ small size and quick velocity, it’s very hard to spot, leading to lots of comical running around with oversized wooden placards until someone sees the hornuss flying straight at their soft, pink, squishy flesh. At this point they panic and fling their placard up into the air and run away. And then whole thing starts again.

We’ve watched videos and it appears the only thing to do on a skibob is to go really, really fast until you either run out of hill or crash. It would not surprise us in the slightest if the creator of the sport was an undertaker in a small Alpine town who fancied some extra business.

The modern skibob stemmed from a patent made in 1892 by an American called John Stevens. Stevens patented the idea of a bicycle where the front wheel was replaced by a ski.

We imagine his last words were “hey guys, look at this thing I made! Check out how cool I look!”

Because of the presence of a camel babe, the male camels often get incredibly aroused, which culminates in a lot of viscous spittle and excitable urine being sprayed around the arena. For some reason, ringside seats never sell that well.

If you can draw and think like a child and want $50, head to the forum and show us The Presidential Election As Drawn By a 5 Year Old.

Or, if you didn’t follow the link in the intro, check out last year’s The 10 Most Insane “Sports” From Around the World. Or for a look at the bizarre foods foreigners use to fuel all that bizarre activity, check out The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World.
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ugg ankle boots uk The 8 Most Badass Make

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And it worked. The community got together and totally Field of Dreams’ed the shit out of little Sam and built a baseball field. Such an enormous task required help and donations from numerous sources. First, grounds crews from the University of Mississippi and Itawamba Community College dedicated hundreds of hours to the project. Next, numerous local groups donated, among other things, sod, fencing, a backstop, an irrigation system and a scoreboard.

Make a Wish Foundation

Before the game, a local neighbor belted out “The Star Spangled Banner.” Soon after, 370 fans cheered Sam and his team on as they took the field while the opening theme from Rocky blared. Sam threw out the first pitch, and the game was on. A local sports announcer called the action as donated snacks and drinks circled the stands.

Sam’s club picked up the 11 6 victory in a hard fought battle, and anyone in Sam’s neighborhood is now free to use that field whenever they want. They need to win. If Michael Jordan was content with just being a good basketball player if he wasn’t obsessed with success then he’d never be Michael Jordan. Donald Trump doesn’t just want money; he wants all the money, and he wants everyone’s attention, now and forever, and that’s what makes him Donald Trump (and also terrible). It’s the warrior spirit that separates Achilles from other soldiers. In 1989, 9 year old Craig Shergold had such a spirit. He was suffering from a brain tumor, but he didn’t just want a few get well cards. He wanted every last one on the planet. Shergold wanted to win.

The Free Lance Star

“Bring it, other sick kids.”

You might have even heard of Shergold. He was the subject of a massive chain letter campaign, wherein he wished for as many people as possible to send him get well cards so as to get more cards than anyone else had ever gotten. In a seemingly insignificant detail that will become important later in the story (that’s called foreshadowing, ladies and gents) this is the only wish on the list that wasn’t granted by the actual Make A Wish foundation, which note on their website, we do not participate in these kinds of wishes.

Seeing nothing ominous in that policy, the similar Children’s Wish Foundation stepped in like the “cool” parent and made Craig’s wish happen. The chain letter became a smash hit, and by the end of 1991, Craig had shattered the Guinness World Record with 35 million get well cards having been sent to the boy’s home in Britain.

In a mini miracle, a rich businessman took notice of Craig’s wish adventure and contacted him about covering the cost of his surgery. Craig received proper surgery soon after the record was reached, and is still alive and healthy today. With the record beaten and cancer gone, Craig officially announced he wished for the cards to stop. Wow, way to go, mankind!The boy survived, but dozens of mailmen threw their backs out.

Then shit got nuts. It turns out there’s a reason the Make A Wish foundation doesn’t traffic in chain letters. Millions of them were already out there being circulated, and they didn’t disappear with Craig’s cancer. The wonderful people who sent get well cards didn’t stop forwarding them to other wonderful people, no matter how much Craig and his family told the public,
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“We’re good over here, you can stop now! Seriously it’s getting hard to breath in here.” Eventually, Craig’s family abandoned their home, unable to tolerate the daily volume of mail. With an address that was no longer current, the post office quickly grew wise and began forwarding any Children’s Wish Foundation related mail to the company headquarters in Phoenix. Eventually, the company had to begin storing them in a massive holding area staffed by 40 volunteers just enough to handle the 300,000 messages received each week. Hey, slow down, mankind!

By 1993, over 100 million cards made their way to the warehouse. Some were just standard get well cards, and at least one was creepily addressed “To the Boy Who Is Sick in the Hospital, in Arizona, or Colorado.” Whoa, holy shit, at least learn the kid’s name and where he is, mankind!”Can’t stop to read! MUST SEND MORE LETTERS!”

Although a series of movies were released after the fact including one with the goddamn Harlem Globetrotters they went mostly unseen, and in most people’s minds, Gilligan was stuck on that island forever.

For some reason, people didn’t want to watch this.

And some people were happy to accept this, but those people are awful. A group of Make A Wish children in 1992 decided to crank their badass levels up to 11, get on a cruise ship and rescue Gilligan. These little champions never leave a man behind, even if he is fictional.

Point Pleasant Register

And responsible for getting a whole boat full of innocent people stranded.

When they’d reached the island, the children spotted Gilligan, who quickly hopped on board and spent the rest of the day signing autographs and playing games with the children. So there you have it. Next time you find yourself sad that Gilligan never made it off the island, realize that he totally did it just took 25 years, and presumably everyone else died.

Enzo was devastated by the news that his favorite chef had turned him down, and his family quickly turned to the Web to air their displeasure. In a blog post earlier this year, Enzo’s mom noted that her son had wanted to meet the chef for the past three years, and had publicly wondered, “Why doesn’t she want to meet me?” We’re very sorry to everyone else who entered,
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but we officially have a winner for saddest thing ever.

small ugg boots The 8 Best Gym Bags for Women in 2017

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You already have enough excusessabotaging your New Year’s resolution to get fit: you’re busy at work, you’re feeling tired, there’s a new episode of The Bachelor on TV. So don’t let an ugly duffel bag that you’re too embarrassed to carry in public hold you back from logging a sweat session. The gym bag you use to tote around your clothes, sneakers, and toiletries should be so stylish that you want to show it off and inspire you to go work out, of course. The best gym bags for women are fashionable enough to carry from the office to the gym to dinner out,
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and everywhere in between. They’re also spacious enough to fit everything you need comfortably, and made of durable materials built to last. Here are our 8 top picks for 2017; which is your favorite?

All products and services featured are selected by our editors. Offers may be subject to change without notice. 2017 Health Media Ventures, Inc. Food Collection and the MyRecipes Network. The material in this site is intended to be of general informational use and is not intended to constitute medical advice, probable diagnosis, or recommended treatments. See the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy (Your California Rights)for more information. Ad Choices
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Welcome to Super Kamiokande, a gigantic subterranean water chamber built in Japan to detect neutrinos. What the hell are neutrinos? Well, they’re subatomic particles that physicists believe are constantly zipping around the universe. Since they don’t interact with other matter, they just pass right through whatever they come into contact with neutrinos emitted from the sun are passing through the Earth as we speak. Hell, one just went through your left eyeball and straight out the back of your head, probably. Did it itch?

Both make you scratch your eyes?

Well, the problem with detecting neutrinos is just what we said: They generally don’t interact with other matter. One exception to that is water when a neutrino smacks into a water molecule, it gives off a tiny flash of light. In fact, the light is so tiny that, in order to detect it, you need a chamber capable of holding 50,000 tons of purified water and lined with myriad photomultiplier tubes. The result looks like a stage lighting system designed by Spinal Tap and assembled by Stanley Kubrick.

It’s so friggin’ bright that it will make you see space babies.

That’s not the only problem, however. To combat this, the detector is located more than a half mile below ground. That didn’t protect it from itself, though: Back in 2001, the pressure from all of that water caused one of the photomultiplier tubes to implode, setting off the most expensive chain reaction this side of the Death Star.

Super Kamiokande was soon patched up, and, although it proved the existence of neutrino mass way back in 1998, it’s still being used to research the history and evolution of the universe to this day. Or, all of this neutrino nonsense is an elaborate front, and this thing is really used to open a portal to some hell dimension. It has everything you would expect a mall to have. Stores? Well, yeah it wouldn’t exactly be a mall without at least 1,200 of those. A food court? Sure it’s got enough food to feed a small country (or one family on a TLC reality show). It also houses a five star hotel, which, in turn, has its own spa and five restaurants. It’s when you move beyond the obvious mall stuff that this place begins to get downright ludicrous.

Please do not tap on the glass (or you will flood the entire Middle East).

There’s also an aquarium so big that it “holds the Guinness World Record for largest acrylic panel.” There’s a water fountain show that can be seen from more than 20 miles away. There’s an amusement park inside the mall, as well as a full sized Olympic ice hockey rink.

Dubai is now more equipped to host the Winter Olympics than Russia.

They shipped it in from Wyoming. No shit.

In total, Dubai Mall encompasses 12 million square feet that’s more than twice the size of Vatican City. And the most insane part? There are plans to expand it because it’s simply not goddamn big enough, yet. What would you do? We know what we would do: We would fill our drawers with a relentless stream of liquid terror poo. Shigeharu Shimamura, on the other hand, is apparently immune to such humanly fears. Instead, he surveyed what looked like the aftermath of a vengeful god dick slapping a Sony semiconductor factory and said, “Yep, I can use that to solve world hunger.”

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his company Mirai Industry Co., Ltd. transformed the factory into the world’s largest indoor farm, and, according to the figures, they’re off to a damn good start: It’s 100 times more productive than traditional dirt farming, uses 40 percent less electricity, 99 percent less water, and wastes 80 percent less food.

And it’s 200 percent more rave worthy.

The farm’s LED lights are a shade of fuchsia best described as “violent,” which tricks the plants into optimizing their day/night cycles for the optimal rate of photosynthesis (that’s science speak for “it makes stuff grow real fast”). There are 17,500 of these high tech lights in the farm’s 25,000 square feet of garden beds. Shimamura and his company assure us that eating something that’s been this aggressively pinked will not, in fact, transform us into a race of Hello Kitties.

Continuing with our numbers theme, the farm yields a massive 10,000 heads of lettuce every day, allowing a single installation like this to comfortably feed a small nation (if said nation consists of rabbits). It’s also pesticide and bacteria free, which explains why the workers appear to have stepped straight out of The Stand.

That, and to protect them from the spit of mutant plants.

If this cavernous underground reservoir looks like something out of a video game, that’s because it is. It was featured in Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, as well as in the movies From Russia With Love and The International, and Dan Brown’s novel Inferno. And it’s not hard to see why.

It’s also a perfect wedding spot, if you don’t mind getting hitched in hip waders. 532 to store water for the Great Palace in Istanbul (still Constantinople back then), the cistern was largely forgotten about you know, as tends to happen with a 2.4 acre underground palace capable of holding more than 21 million gallons of water. Frenchman Peter Gyllius rediscovered it in 1545, after watching locals retrieve water through holes in their basement floors by lowering buckets through them. Sometimes, the buckets even returned bearing carp, which the locals presumably thought were gifts from the well fairies.

It’s an actual, honest to goodness wishing well . if all you wish for is carp.

The fish are still there today, freely flopping among the hundreds of giant stone columns. And, speaking of the columns, two of them are propped atop intricate Roman carvings of the head of Medusa. One is positioned sideways, and the other is upside down, possibly to prevent Medusa’s glare from turning unwary visitors to stone or possibly because the Byzantines viewed Roman masterworks as little more than fancy cinder blocks. It’s also entirely possible that no one’s yet figured out which item from their inventory to use to spin them right side up and unlock a secret passage to an ancient Byzantine treasure hoard.

Guess you’ll just have to murder the shit out of that giant medusa head.

Those gajillions of glittering things aren’t sequins, though. The interior walls are lined with scads upon scads of intricate mosaic mirrors and colored glass to create complex designs in silver and green, giving visitors the illusion of having stepped inside a massive emerald geode. We’re assuming tours are accompanied by an infinitely repeating announcement that flash photography is strictly forbidden because the chain reaction set off by the flash would be like opening the Ark of the Covenant.
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Put that lunch away, it’s not getting better from here.

Fofao, a mop topped escapee from the Island of Dr. Moreau, has been a beloved entertainer of Brazilian children since the 1980s, because the body horror genre has apparently not made its way into South America yet. He dresses like a police sketch of a pedophile and has the singing voice of a cartel assassin, but the kids in this video are completely unfazed by his presence.

Nobody seems like he was specifically engineered as nightmare fuel, and for some reason, the producers of Sesame Street thought it would be appropriate to have Nobody use his twitchy, disembodied facial features to deliver counting exercises to preschoolers. He also speaks with the terrifyingly dulcet tones of a serial killer patiently assuring us that there is no escape from his basement, because a man with a bachelor’s degree in home economics thought that was a good idea.

Phasing in and out of being, Nobody occupies some incomprehensible realm of chaotic oblivion, seeping through the cracks in our reality like one of Kevin Bacon’s visions in Stir of Echoes. Unsurprisingly, Jim Henson originally created this character for an entirely different purpose to narrate a surreal short film about the human subconscious.

Apparently, Mr. Henson’s brain supplied its own acid.

The film, Limbo, the Organized Mind, stars the Nobody as a mental homunculus adrift through a purgatory of his own thoughts, overlaid with images of leaky pipes, scurrying cockroaches, and foggy, alien landscapes.

Don’t worry, kids, God isn’t dead. He’s just hunting you.

At some point during the preproduction of his children’s television show, following a line of logic that will never be understood, Jim Henson revisited this nightmare and said, “Yes. This should be the monster that teaches human babies how to count.”

According to a French Wikipedia entry loosely translated by Google, is a bizarre satirical news program starring anthropomorphic animal puppets discussing topics that are instantly relatable to all children, such as the pressures of inter office politics and economics on broadcast journalism, and the undeniable hijinks of “professional misconduct.”

All of that explanation is irrelevant, however,
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because none of us can hear anything over the shrieking madness of Ostrich Boobs and Personface McTelephone.

Somehow, somewhere Guillermo del Toro is smiling.

Beyond that, the entire program plays out like some fever dream a child would have staring at their stuffed animals while bedridden with typhus. The characters wobble around like stroke victims, rapidly twitching out the palsied facial expressions of a person shuddering into brain death, while their delicately gloved human hands make the refined but eerily purposed gestures of an aristocratic spree killer. Also, after the end credits of this particular episode, we are treated to a brief scene of the ostrich putting on lipstick and barely avoiding molestation at the hands of a sleazy cat with a broken arm who apparently hides cigarette lighters in his cast. By the way, that cat is a recurring character, and his arm is in a cast every single time we see him.

Either he’s not drinking enough of that milk, or milk isn’t what he’s drinking.

The characters don’t have separate puppet arms or anything, because gluing arms to arms would be too horrifying even for this show. No, instead the characters merely use their faces to grab everything, at which point the show devolves from “puppet theater” into “filming people as they juggle and play piano with eyeballs glued to their fingers.” Seriously, each episode feels like a video that a serial killer would leave for the police.

“Don’t even bother with the SWAT team, we’re just going to need a coroner.”

The anatomy of Oobi is made even more confusing by the fact that the characters talk and eat with the exact same set of appendages they use to manipulate objects. Watching Uma struggle with a pair of chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant is the most Sisyphean task you will ever see on a Nickelodeon channel, because even if she finally manages to hold the chopsticks correctly, how is she then supposed to eat with them?

Best not to ponder. That way lies madness.

Meet Wizbit, a magical talking wizard’s hat from space with a shrill, buzzing voice and eyes that stare off in conflicting directions as if they are locked in magnetic opposition. It is unclear whether Wizbit is supposed to be a boy hat or a girl hat, but what is painfully clear is that this is a question the universe never intended for us to ask.

Wizbit lives in a house with the desaturated color palette of a 1960s cigarette ad alongside a gloomy rabbit man named Wooly who spends the majority of every episode muttering inaudibly like a sociopath trying to do an impression of Art Carney. Wizbit, meanwhile, wags his eyebrows like a silent film comedian and dares children not to weep in terrified confusion, as if they have any choice in the matter.

There is no stopping the tears. Or the fears.

In one episode, the nefarious Professor Doom steals all of the color in Wizbit’s village. They take great pains to stress how evil Professor Doom is, despite the fact that he looks about as menacing as a birthday magician and as such is much less horrifying than the two heroes of the program.

We’re ruling whatever he does a clear cut case of self defense.

Wizbit turns the world back to color, prompting Wooly to shuffle awkwardly outside like he is struggling to choke back the biggest shit in anal clenching history to marvel at the space hat’s handiwork. He then does the same gloomy wallflower dance we assume he did when he went stag to prom. The dance goes on for an uncomfortably long time while Wizbit just stands there and stares off into the middle distance.

This is like a deleted scene from The Wicker Man.

In Raggedy Ann Andy: A Musical Adventure (the Toy Story of the 1970s), Raggedy Ann and Andy are two stalwart dolls who embark on a mission to save one of their fellow toys from a villainous pirate named the Captain, who, to be clear, is also a toy. They hitch a ride on a camel with an inexplicable Southern accent who ends up leading them directly into the Taffy Pit,
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at which point they meet the Greedy and every child in the theater starts crying.